From Oct 9th 2009

Today I was incredibly sad, but kept telling myself I wasn't. I got angry and denied it. A greater power stopped me and told me it was ok to be sad and angry. Whether they are justified feelings or not I do not know. But they are real and something warned me very adamantly to not pretend I wasn't feeling them.

I decided I would feel them, but I needed to not lose myself in them. I am going to take a walk everyday. I will allow my feelings to be felt. I will cry, I will shout, I will talk to myself. I will let passerby look at me and assume I am yet another crazy person roaming the streets aimlessly. Because in that moment, that is exactly what I will be. And when I have let myself feel them I will turn around. When I turn around I will now have direction and now where I am heading. I am going back to where I came from physically, and I will use that time to recover mentally as well. I will think of where I am heading emotionally and mentally. I will remind myself of what I have and the step I am taking. I will regain my direction over the sadness and anger. I will be stronger then these emotions, but I won't deny them.

I have learnt some things about myself in the past 24 years. I will easily succumb to being a victim and allow that victim to become co dependant on the first thing available. Alcohol is usually the first call I make. It's scary to know this about myself, but I am glad it scares me and glad I am knowledgeable.

I was reminded of an excerpt from a book by Ellen, she speaks light hearted about daily affirmations and how hers will include:

I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout.
I am the worlds tallest midget!
I bet nobody knows I'm crazy.
I look good in bell bottoms.
Archie would rather date me than either Betty or Veronica.
I can walk through walls. Ouch! No, I can't.
I mean for my hair to look like this.
The Great Spirit smiles on me. On me and only me. The Great Spirit hates everybody else. We’re best friends.
I don't need to exercise. I have the perfect shape.
I'm smarter than my dogs. Well, smarter than one of my dogs.
I look good with back hair.
Being grubby equals being cool.
I put my mind to it, I could do anything. I just don't feel like putting my mind to something. So there.
I have X-ray vision. Wait a minute. I don't. These glasses are a rip-off.
I meant to get ripped off.
I'm good at watching TV.
I can come up with better affirmations than these.

As silly as these are, I realized there have been times I felt so low I could not have beat them. I know very well that I need daily affirmations right now, I need to remind myself I am ok. And although I don't think they will include too many of those listed above... it will be ok if they are not huge compliments and even if they contain humor. I think humor is going to have to be a tool for me to keep parts of my sanity.

Today, although I was sad I did get stuff done that was scary for me to do, and I am proud of myself for that. I was proud that I listen to the voice in me telling me to feel my feelings. I was surprised at my ability to say I need help to my probation officer and I was filled with amazement when he thanked me for asking for the help because it helped him. These are a few of my affirmations today.