From Oct 8th 2009

It's been a long week. It's been a hard week. I have spent just shy of 3 days in a county jail. I have lost my relationship. I have realized I spent greater then 4 years of my life becoming a person I have no respect for. And the worst part of all this... is that person has hurt others and wasted a lot of time being angry, scared, useless, co-dependant, and drunk.

Whoever this person is, this person I have become... they are not welcome anymore. But it is an abusive relationship and I am not only afraid to leave them, I am unsure how. I will tho. I can't let this person hold me back anymore. I cannot let them control me and hurt me and scare me. There is still someone else in this relationship. The one in the relationship who is worth life and is worth happiness. (It just occurred to me I may be schizophrenic... lol).

Lets move on from third person narration. I need to change. I need to change in many many ways. I need to prioritize, regulate, energize, and become an active participant in my life again.
There is so much to do, I am trying to figure out where to start. My best idea is to change my attitude first. And beyond that, I need to seek help earnestly, and I need to utilize that help for once. I need to pace myself and not get overwhelmed.

I feel like shit. I am doing everything I can to not think about all I have lost and fall into a self pity cycle. I am reminding myself 20 times a day that yes I have lost many thing. However, I still have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a good job and boss, and hope. A quiet but wise voice once said to me "Nothing is ever lost if it is your to keep, it is just misplaced". I am clinging to that. However a much stronger and more urgent voice is yelling at me right now "You have to earn what is yours to keep,!!!"

I am equally humbled and honored by this weeks events. I have lost... but in honesty, I had never earned the right to keep any of what I have lost. And with these losses, I have open my eyes to the few things I have earned and are worth earning. Had this week not gone so horribly awry, I may not have had it in me to see all the way I have failed myself. I have gained. I have gained AWARENESS that the time is now and I am hear.

I vaguely remember having gained awareness before. I don't recall what happened or where it went, but I know I was once very clear. Whole and directed. At that time I don't think I had created so many hurdles for myself. This time I have set several. And in all honesty I am angry with myself about it. I have been angry for awhile, but unwilling to change.

This week gave me a glimpse of how much my inaction is creating a monster in me who is making each passing day another hurdle. Although I am angry as ever, I am now scared. I don't want to be this monster. No super human could ever spend the entirety of their life clearing hurdles with no break. Soon they would just stop running. And that is where I was. On the sidelines watching this monster set up new hurdles.

I am kicking this monster out of my life, but those hurdles will remain. I must gather what I have and get over them. Each day I will look to build endurance, health, more hope, and peace. I will look for directions and understand that shortcuts are evil. Breaks are unreasonable... I just had a very long break and it did nothing good for me. I must keep on keeping on. I must. I MUST.