Is life a test or a game?If its a game is it a sport or board game? I have always thought of it as a test to see how well you play the game.
I was thinking today though, that I ought not (nor should others) refer to it as either. Games can be lost and tests can be failed. I have hung on to that metaphor for some time and started wondering if part of me has allowed myself to think I had already lost, or was down so far I could not come back because of the huge influence that question had on my younger years.
I remember very vividly being asked that question and a serious answer being expected. I was surprised with my witty response and delighted to fulfill my answer. I was 16... all I did was take tests and play sports. Then I left school, lost sports due to injury, and that mentor became a harsh example of why I will never do meth or any other drug. A lot changed... except for my little concept I had developed.
Life is not a game anymore, nor a test, or challenge. I am often tested and challenged, and I do play... but you can't define life as any one of those. What can you define life as? Can you define life? In all my thinking today, my best response is Life is life. We call it life for lack of better adjectives. And by trying to label it, I am inclined to think we put a limitation on it.
This train of thought lead me to wonder how often we label things that would be best left alone to define itself. I am not talking about stereotyping or the obvious things we find associations to. I think we are usually aware of our biases, at least on some level.
Do we subconsciously label life, relationships, occupations, spirituality and etc? If we do it subconsciously we would have no way of realizing the effect it has on our mentality in our active participation. It might not always be a bad label, but it would set up restrictions that should not be there. It could be very damaging to yourself and others.
Even calling your job work... that just seems to set a standard for a sour outlook on earning a living. You don't hear most folks say, "I get to go help my company tonight". It would sound awkward. Its work. That would be fine enough, yet as a society we have put labels any unpleasant task that has to be done "work". Occupation or not. Housework, yard work, paperwork and so on. Even if we genuinely enjoyed showing up to our job, it is work. I wonder what kind of psychological pull that word association puts on individuals.
I don't know if this idea has any merit behind it, and I may never understand fully even if it does. But it is something I will continue to ponder and may come back to later.
On a whole other note, today was a nice day. A quiet day. I took my walk... then walked more then I intended because I apparently don't know how to read a map as coherently as I thought and missed my bus lol. I spent much time today studying for events to come. I felt disappointed that I did not accomplish as much as I have seemed to in the other days this week. Although, in thinking about it, I probably accomplished more, it just did not fill a space on the calender or reveal any new goals or plans. The studying was as imperative as anything else and I am glad to say I took the initiative to do it. I felt a little insecure (emotionally) for parts of the day, I feel a little insecure in this moment. I can't pinpoint the direct cause of it. But by writing about it now, I think I have stumbled upon a small enlightenment. In the five stages of grief "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance" I wonder where insecurity would fall. I have some thinking to do, but I may have found something to write about tomorrow. :)
Oct 11, 2009
Oct 10, 2009
From Oct 9th 2009
Today I was incredibly sad, but kept telling myself I wasn't. I got angry and denied it. A greater power stopped me and told me it was ok to be sad and angry. Whether they are justified feelings or not I do not know. But they are real and something warned me very adamantly to not pretend I wasn't feeling them.
I decided I would feel them, but I needed to not lose myself in them. I am going to take a walk everyday. I will allow my feelings to be felt. I will cry, I will shout, I will talk to myself. I will let passerby look at me and assume I am yet another crazy person roaming the streets aimlessly. Because in that moment, that is exactly what I will be. And when I have let myself feel them I will turn around. When I turn around I will now have direction and now where I am heading. I am going back to where I came from physically, and I will use that time to recover mentally as well. I will think of where I am heading emotionally and mentally. I will remind myself of what I have and the step I am taking. I will regain my direction over the sadness and anger. I will be stronger then these emotions, but I won't deny them.
I have learnt some things about myself in the past 24 years. I will easily succumb to being a victim and allow that victim to become co dependant on the first thing available. Alcohol is usually the first call I make. It's scary to know this about myself, but I am glad it scares me and glad I am knowledgeable.
I was reminded of an excerpt from a book by Ellen, she speaks light hearted about daily affirmations and how hers will include:
I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout.
I am the worlds tallest midget!
I bet nobody knows I'm crazy.
I look good in bell bottoms.
Archie would rather date me than either Betty or Veronica.
I can walk through walls. Ouch! No, I can't.
I mean for my hair to look like this.
The Great Spirit smiles on me. On me and only me. The Great Spirit hates everybody else. We’re best friends.
I don't need to exercise. I have the perfect shape.
I'm smarter than my dogs. Well, smarter than one of my dogs.
I look good with back hair.
Being grubby equals being cool.
I put my mind to it, I could do anything. I just don't feel like putting my mind to something. So there.
I have X-ray vision. Wait a minute. I don't. These glasses are a rip-off.
I meant to get ripped off.
I'm good at watching TV.
I can come up with better affirmations than these.
As silly as these are, I realized there have been times I felt so low I could not have beat them. I know very well that I need daily affirmations right now, I need to remind myself I am ok. And although I don't think they will include too many of those listed above... it will be ok if they are not huge compliments and even if they contain humor. I think humor is going to have to be a tool for me to keep parts of my sanity.
Today, although I was sad I did get stuff done that was scary for me to do, and I am proud of myself for that. I was proud that I listen to the voice in me telling me to feel my feelings. I was surprised at my ability to say I need help to my probation officer and I was filled with amazement when he thanked me for asking for the help because it helped him. These are a few of my affirmations today.
I decided I would feel them, but I needed to not lose myself in them. I am going to take a walk everyday. I will allow my feelings to be felt. I will cry, I will shout, I will talk to myself. I will let passerby look at me and assume I am yet another crazy person roaming the streets aimlessly. Because in that moment, that is exactly what I will be. And when I have let myself feel them I will turn around. When I turn around I will now have direction and now where I am heading. I am going back to where I came from physically, and I will use that time to recover mentally as well. I will think of where I am heading emotionally and mentally. I will remind myself of what I have and the step I am taking. I will regain my direction over the sadness and anger. I will be stronger then these emotions, but I won't deny them.
I have learnt some things about myself in the past 24 years. I will easily succumb to being a victim and allow that victim to become co dependant on the first thing available. Alcohol is usually the first call I make. It's scary to know this about myself, but I am glad it scares me and glad I am knowledgeable.
I was reminded of an excerpt from a book by Ellen, she speaks light hearted about daily affirmations and how hers will include:
I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout.
I am the worlds tallest midget!
I bet nobody knows I'm crazy.
I look good in bell bottoms.
Archie would rather date me than either Betty or Veronica.
I can walk through walls. Ouch! No, I can't.
I mean for my hair to look like this.
The Great Spirit smiles on me. On me and only me. The Great Spirit hates everybody else. We’re best friends.
I don't need to exercise. I have the perfect shape.
I'm smarter than my dogs. Well, smarter than one of my dogs.
I look good with back hair.
Being grubby equals being cool.
I put my mind to it, I could do anything. I just don't feel like putting my mind to something. So there.
I have X-ray vision. Wait a minute. I don't. These glasses are a rip-off.
I meant to get ripped off.
I'm good at watching TV.
I can come up with better affirmations than these.
As silly as these are, I realized there have been times I felt so low I could not have beat them. I know very well that I need daily affirmations right now, I need to remind myself I am ok. And although I don't think they will include too many of those listed above... it will be ok if they are not huge compliments and even if they contain humor. I think humor is going to have to be a tool for me to keep parts of my sanity.
Today, although I was sad I did get stuff done that was scary for me to do, and I am proud of myself for that. I was proud that I listen to the voice in me telling me to feel my feelings. I was surprised at my ability to say I need help to my probation officer and I was filled with amazement when he thanked me for asking for the help because it helped him. These are a few of my affirmations today.
From Oct 8th 2009
It's been a long week. It's been a hard week. I have spent just shy of 3 days in a county jail. I have lost my relationship. I have realized I spent greater then 4 years of my life becoming a person I have no respect for. And the worst part of all this... is that person has hurt others and wasted a lot of time being angry, scared, useless, co-dependant, and drunk.
Whoever this person is, this person I have become... they are not welcome anymore. But it is an abusive relationship and I am not only afraid to leave them, I am unsure how. I will tho. I can't let this person hold me back anymore. I cannot let them control me and hurt me and scare me. There is still someone else in this relationship. The one in the relationship who is worth life and is worth happiness. (It just occurred to me I may be schizophrenic... lol).
Lets move on from third person narration. I need to change. I need to change in many many ways. I need to prioritize, regulate, energize, and become an active participant in my life again.
There is so much to do, I am trying to figure out where to start. My best idea is to change my attitude first. And beyond that, I need to seek help earnestly, and I need to utilize that help for once. I need to pace myself and not get overwhelmed.
I feel like shit. I am doing everything I can to not think about all I have lost and fall into a self pity cycle. I am reminding myself 20 times a day that yes I have lost many thing. However, I still have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a good job and boss, and hope. A quiet but wise voice once said to me "Nothing is ever lost if it is your to keep, it is just misplaced". I am clinging to that. However a much stronger and more urgent voice is yelling at me right now "You have to earn what is yours to keep,!!!"
I am equally humbled and honored by this weeks events. I have lost... but in honesty, I had never earned the right to keep any of what I have lost. And with these losses, I have open my eyes to the few things I have earned and are worth earning. Had this week not gone so horribly awry, I may not have had it in me to see all the way I have failed myself. I have gained. I have gained AWARENESS that the time is now and I am hear.
I vaguely remember having gained awareness before. I don't recall what happened or where it went, but I know I was once very clear. Whole and directed. At that time I don't think I had created so many hurdles for myself. This time I have set several. And in all honesty I am angry with myself about it. I have been angry for awhile, but unwilling to change.
This week gave me a glimpse of how much my inaction is creating a monster in me who is making each passing day another hurdle. Although I am angry as ever, I am now scared. I don't want to be this monster. No super human could ever spend the entirety of their life clearing hurdles with no break. Soon they would just stop running. And that is where I was. On the sidelines watching this monster set up new hurdles.
I am kicking this monster out of my life, but those hurdles will remain. I must gather what I have and get over them. Each day I will look to build endurance, health, more hope, and peace. I will look for directions and understand that shortcuts are evil. Breaks are unreasonable... I just had a very long break and it did nothing good for me. I must keep on keeping on. I must. I MUST.
Whoever this person is, this person I have become... they are not welcome anymore. But it is an abusive relationship and I am not only afraid to leave them, I am unsure how. I will tho. I can't let this person hold me back anymore. I cannot let them control me and hurt me and scare me. There is still someone else in this relationship. The one in the relationship who is worth life and is worth happiness. (It just occurred to me I may be schizophrenic... lol).
Lets move on from third person narration. I need to change. I need to change in many many ways. I need to prioritize, regulate, energize, and become an active participant in my life again.
There is so much to do, I am trying to figure out where to start. My best idea is to change my attitude first. And beyond that, I need to seek help earnestly, and I need to utilize that help for once. I need to pace myself and not get overwhelmed.
I feel like shit. I am doing everything I can to not think about all I have lost and fall into a self pity cycle. I am reminding myself 20 times a day that yes I have lost many thing. However, I still have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a good job and boss, and hope. A quiet but wise voice once said to me "Nothing is ever lost if it is your to keep, it is just misplaced". I am clinging to that. However a much stronger and more urgent voice is yelling at me right now "You have to earn what is yours to keep,!!!"
I am equally humbled and honored by this weeks events. I have lost... but in honesty, I had never earned the right to keep any of what I have lost. And with these losses, I have open my eyes to the few things I have earned and are worth earning. Had this week not gone so horribly awry, I may not have had it in me to see all the way I have failed myself. I have gained. I have gained AWARENESS that the time is now and I am hear.
I vaguely remember having gained awareness before. I don't recall what happened or where it went, but I know I was once very clear. Whole and directed. At that time I don't think I had created so many hurdles for myself. This time I have set several. And in all honesty I am angry with myself about it. I have been angry for awhile, but unwilling to change.
This week gave me a glimpse of how much my inaction is creating a monster in me who is making each passing day another hurdle. Although I am angry as ever, I am now scared. I don't want to be this monster. No super human could ever spend the entirety of their life clearing hurdles with no break. Soon they would just stop running. And that is where I was. On the sidelines watching this monster set up new hurdles.
I am kicking this monster out of my life, but those hurdles will remain. I must gather what I have and get over them. Each day I will look to build endurance, health, more hope, and peace. I will look for directions and understand that shortcuts are evil. Breaks are unreasonable... I just had a very long break and it did nothing good for me. I must keep on keeping on. I must. I MUST.
Survey Says Moment: (Blank) Motivates You
I am at a time in life where I have found it very imperative that I search out motivation and keep it strong in my heart. I knew I wanted to start blogging. I knew I wanted this to be the topic of my first blog. I just had know idea what to say of it. I guess the purpose of this whole blog site is for me to help move my ideas and formulate them. Lets see where it goes. Lets find a constant motivation to help me stay strong and grow!
Let's begin with what motivates me or has been known to motivate me:
~Fear motivates me
~Love motivates me
~Anger motivates me
~Money motivates me
~Music motivate me
~Work motivates me
~Hurt motivates me
~Joy motivates me
Ok... I see now, motivation is subjective to situations. There is almost anything that could motivate me. A new angle is needed. What Limits me?
~Fear limits me
~Love limits me
~Anger limits me
~Money limits me
~Music limits me
~Work... hey wait a minute...
At first glance of this equation, I would have assumed I was the common denominator. The emotion, action, or object would be the variable and it seems the solution would be either limitation or motivation. There's something wrong with that.
Maybe all these things... life's things: emotions, objects, actions, maybe these are the common denominator. They are always there. Maybe I am the variable. Yes, I am the variable. Because if I take love for instance, and it can be the known that either limits me or motivates me, I would be the variable to the solution. I dictate whether the conclusion is motivation or limitation.
Life's occurrences + Me = (Uh... I guess whatever I make it... motivation or limitation)
That would mean I motivate myself, I limit myself. I am the variable.
So in conclusion, I guess rather then searching out Love, anger, money, fear, music or anything... I need to search for me. Those other things will find me, I don't need to look for them, I need to look for me.
This is why I am blogging, I need to find me, and allow myself to be the answer. If you are reading this you have either never met me or you have become a confident in my life who I trust and am asking for your help on my new journey and welcoming your input. (Not obligating you...please don't feel that way if I have sent you this link) Either way, I hope in some small way it helps you too. Do know when it gets confusing and baffling, that I am the variable behind it, searching for a way to create the solution for myself.
I will be adding some stuff from this last week, and maybe stuff previous to that from other blogs and journals I have kept. For the most part this me. Here and now, looking to be a healthy variable. Welcome. And thank you for reading.
Let's begin with what motivates me or has been known to motivate me:
~Fear motivates me
~Love motivates me
~Anger motivates me
~Money motivates me
~Music motivate me
~Work motivates me
~Hurt motivates me
~Joy motivates me
Ok... I see now, motivation is subjective to situations. There is almost anything that could motivate me. A new angle is needed. What Limits me?
~Fear limits me
~Love limits me
~Anger limits me
~Money limits me
~Music limits me
~Work... hey wait a minute...
At first glance of this equation, I would have assumed I was the common denominator. The emotion, action, or object would be the variable and it seems the solution would be either limitation or motivation. There's something wrong with that.
Maybe all these things... life's things: emotions, objects, actions, maybe these are the common denominator. They are always there. Maybe I am the variable. Yes, I am the variable. Because if I take love for instance, and it can be the known that either limits me or motivates me, I would be the variable to the solution. I dictate whether the conclusion is motivation or limitation.
Life's occurrences + Me = (Uh... I guess whatever I make it... motivation or limitation)
That would mean I motivate myself, I limit myself. I am the variable.
So in conclusion, I guess rather then searching out Love, anger, money, fear, music or anything... I need to search for me. Those other things will find me, I don't need to look for them, I need to look for me.
This is why I am blogging, I need to find me, and allow myself to be the answer. If you are reading this you have either never met me or you have become a confident in my life who I trust and am asking for your help on my new journey and welcoming your input. (Not obligating you...please don't feel that way if I have sent you this link) Either way, I hope in some small way it helps you too. Do know when it gets confusing and baffling, that I am the variable behind it, searching for a way to create the solution for myself.
I will be adding some stuff from this last week, and maybe stuff previous to that from other blogs and journals I have kept. For the most part this me. Here and now, looking to be a healthy variable. Welcome. And thank you for reading.
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